The Slacker Slayer
by Mark Crofton
Summary: Buffy is not pleased to discover that she was not Destiny's first choice to be the Slayer. The weirdness escalates when Ethan Rayne comes to town and puts into motion a truly fiendish plan.


**The Slacker Slayer**

Buffy, Willow, and Xander were sitting crowded together on the sofa in Xander's depressing basement room in his parents' house, watching TV. Anya was sitting on Xander's lap and Jonathan was sitting on the floor. The boys stared raptly at the screen. The girls were less enthusiastic.

On the screen a Western woman in a black leather costume confronted a dozen masked Asian assassins, everybody holding themselves in stylized martial arts stances.

"Ha ha ha!" the leader of the assassins laughed scornfully. The sound track was badly dubbed and the movements of the actors' mouths didn't match the dialog. "Now you shall learn who has number one noodle shop on the block! Prepare to suffer many inconveniences!"

"Ha on you!" the woman retorted. "Your arrogance shall soon be deflated, by myself, the Iron Maiden! And your noodles lack sincerity!" The assassins recoiled in shock.

"You die, redundant woman!" the head assassin shouted. He and his followers thrashed around, then stood poised into a new and more aggressive martial arts stance.

"That outcome is improbable!" the woman said. "For I have mastered the secret art of--The Rolling Thing of Death!"

The head assassin's mouth worked in furious curses. "Yikes!" he said.

The Iron Maiden deftly flipped herself into a cartwheel and launched herself at the assassins with a martial arts battle cry.

"Another action packed evening with my pals, watching Kung Fu movies," Buffy said.

"Ha! Pow! Get her!" came from the tube.

Willow said, "This movie is so stupid that I can actually feel my brain going numb."

"Xander," Anya said, "aren't movies supposed to have a plot?"

Willow leafed through a TV Guide. "Ooh! There's a show about penguins on the Discovery Channel!"

Jonathan said, "Xander, please keep your women quiet."

"Quiet, women," Xander said, not really thinking about it, his eyes on the TV screen. All the girls turned to give him a level look. Xander began to sense danger.

"I mean, ladies," Xander said. "Nice ladies."

"Watch this," Jonathan said. "She's going to give them the 'Reluctant Ibis' move!"

"Those poor fools," Xander said.

"Xander," Anya, said, "now that Iron Maiden person is hopping from rooftop to rooftop. That's simply impossible."

"Yes," Willow said, "that clearly violates the laws of physics. And therefore, you can't do it."

Anya said, "I'm not having fun. Xander, as an American citizen I am entitled to the pursuit of happiness. That's in the Constitution. Look it up."

"What the hell is this thing anyway?" Buffy said.

Xander said, " 'The Iron Maiden IV: Fists of Impatience.' I just got it from the Maidenettes."

Buffy said, "The who?"

Willow said, "The what?"

Anya said, "The why?"

"That's the Iron Maiden Fan Club, North American branch," Xander said. "We get her latest videos straight from Hong Kong."

Buffy pointed at the screen. "Look at that! Nobody can jump that high!"

Jonathan said, "You can, Buffy. I've seen you do it."

Xander said, "He's got you there, Buffster."

Buffy said, "That's not how you break a guy's neck. You gotta . . . " Buffy demonstrated how you break a guy's neck. Nobody was watching.

Anya said, "Xander, let's have sex. That would be distinctly more enjoyable than watching this."

Buffy said, "Death would be more enjoyable than watching this."

Willow said grimly, "Being late to your SATs would be more enjoyable than watching this."

Buffy patted Willow's shoulder and said, "Easy there."

Unexpectedly the camera cut to a close up of the Iron Maiden and the battle was suspended. She turned to face the camera so it was like she was looking right at Buffy and her friends.

"Hi, Buffy," the Iron Maiden said with a grin. "I'll be dropping by Sunnydale real soon. See ya then." The Iron Maiden gave them a big wink. Then the movie returned to the battle.

Willow said, "What just happened?"

Buffy said, "Did you guys see that?"

Anya said, "Are movies supposed to talk to you?"

Jonathan said to Xander and Anya, "You guys have sex?"

In the morning Buffy and Willow walked into the Sunnydale High School library, carrying their school books. Rupert Giles, Buffy's Watcher, was standing by his desk, wearing his usual tweed suit and spectacles. He was examining a large, purple leathery egg-shaped object.

"Hi, Mr. Giles," Willow said, waving cheerfully at the reserved Englishman.

Buffy said, "Hi, Gee."

Giles winced a little at Buffy's informality but said, "Good morning, girls."

Buffy said, "Whu'zat?"

Giles said, "A dragon's egg."

"Really?" Buffy said.

"Really," Giles said.

Buffy said, "Cool. Can I borrow it for my science project?"

"No," Giles said stiffly.

"A baby dragon!" Willow said, delighted. "Aw! Can I play with it? Can you teach it tricks? Is it cute?"

"This particular species of dragon is known for leveling cities and incinerating armies. But, when newly hatched, yes, I suppose you could say they are, ah, cute." He locked the dragon's egg into a metal cabinet. "I am going to turn it over to the Watchers' Council as soon as possible."

Buffy lost whatever interest she had in the dragon's egg. She said, "Giles, do you know anything about a Kung Fu chick called the Iron Maiden?"

Giles' body jerked like he'd just taken a bullet. In a stricken voice he said, "The Iron Maiden! Where did you hear that name?"

Buffy said, "Where kids hear everything. On TV."

Willow said, "She said she's coming to Sunnydale."

Giles said, "Here? Her?"

Willow said, "Y'know, something tells me you know the name."

Buffy said, "Are you a member of her fan club too? It seems to be a guy thing."

Giles said, "I most certainly am not!"

"So who is she, anyway?" Buffy asked.

Giles said, "You do not need to know. And now you will kindly drop the whole subject. And never speak her name again. Not even her preposterous stage name. Certainly not in my presence. Now go away."

Buffy and Willow exchanged a glance, then advanced on Giles purposefully. As they entered his personal space he became flustered and took a step or two backwards until his was backed up against his desk. The girls pressed up closely to him, staring at him intently. He had to lean backward. "Ah, er . . . " he stammered.

Willow said, "Come on, Mr. Giles, talk. You know we'll get it out of you anyway."

Buffy said, "Now we can do this the easy way or the hard way--"

Giles said, "Oh, very well, I suppose you have the right know. She's the Slayer."

"Huh?" Willow said.

Buffy said, "I second that huh. Hey, Giles, reality check, _I'm_ the Slayer."

Giles said, "Well, yes, but you see, you, ah, were not the first Slayer to be Chosen."

"What!?" Buffy exclaimed.

"When the time came for a new Slayer to be activated, the Watchers' Council sent me to the wretched person you know as the Iron Maiden. I informed her that she was the Chosen One, I explained to her what duties as a Slayer would be, and she, well, declined."

Buffy said, "She said no, she didn't want to be Chosen? Can you do that?"

"No!" Giles said.

Willow said, "But she did."

Giles said, "Actually, she told me, ah, what I and the Watchers' Council could do with the whole Slayer business."

Buffy said, "Why didn't I think of that?"

"It was a complete betrayal of her duties and her destiny! And besides that she made me look quite foolish. She took a flight to Hong Kong that very day and started performing in those ridiculous karate movies--"

Willow said, "Fung Fu, actually. Xander explained to me that there is a big difference between--"

"Please!" Giles said. "The next potential Slayer, yourself, was therefore activated--"

"So what am I, some sort of emergency backup Slayer?"

"Certainly not . . . well, yes, I suppose technically you could say that."

"So if she's the Chosen One, what the hell am I?"

"You are the, ah, other Chosen One." Buffy made an inarticulate sound of dismay.

"I acted as quickly as I could to reach you but nevertheless I was, well . . . "

"Late?" Willow said. "You were late for something? That's hard to believe. Next you'll be saying you were disheveled."

"That is why you were forced to face those vampires alone, back in your previous high school in Los Angeles. I arrived the next morning. The ruins of the school gymnasium were still smoldering and your mother had taken you off to no one knew where."

Buffy said, "Yeah, mom was pretty steamed. All the way to Sunnydale she kept talking about lawsuits and boarding schools."

"Kinda ironic she took you to Sunnydale," Willow said.

"I think it was one of those wacky Slayer things," Buffy said.

Giles said, "The whole business was a dreadful fiasco. I was reprimanded by the Council for not being more persuasive with Victoria."

"Victoria?" Buffy said. "That's her name? Victoria? Vicky the Vampire Slayer?"

"Hey," Willow said, "that's kinda catchy. You know, alliterative? Vicky and vampire--"

Buffy said, "And Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn't? You know, catchy? And the other thing you said?"

"Well," Willow said, "no. Not so much."

Giles said, "I believe that this is why the Council has always been, ah, less than enthusiastic about you, Buffy. And me."

Buffy said, "Well, that's sure more than I wanted to know."

"Now, Buffy," Giles said, "this in no way means that you are any less a Slayer, just because of the, ah, irregularity of the proceedings."

"Sure," Willow said. "Just because you find out you were second choice you shouldn't get all wigged. Or maybe you should."

Buffy said, "I think I'll go with wigged."

Willow said, "It must be kinda like when Gwendolyn Blicket found out she was adopted." She explained to Giles, "She joined a cult."

Buffy said, "Got their address?"

Giles said, "I believe we have exhausted the subject of, of, this person. Now, please run along, I have important matters to attend to."

Willow said, "Come on, Buffy, we gotta get to class." The girls turned to leave to the library. Willow asked Buffy, "Are you gonna meet with this slacker slayer?"

"I suppose. If she wants. And if she asks for her old job back I'm gonna tell her it's all hers."

As the girls walked down the school hallway. Buffy said, "Willow, Oz is a guy, right?"

Willow said, "Oh, yeah."

"So why wasn't he at Xander's last night, worshiping the Iron Maiden with the rest of her boy toys?"

Willow said, "Oh, he's too intellectual for that sort of thing. Anyway, he's at a dog show."

"A dog show?"

"The Pasadena Kennel Club annual dog show. He's real interested in dog shows. Go figure."

Buffy said, "Boys are so weird."

Willow said, "Yeah. Wish we could do without 'em."

Buffy said, "What 'cha gonna do?"

Just then Xander rushed up in a dither, clutching what looked like a big roll of canvas and a couple of wooden poles. He grabbed Buffy around the waist as best he could while still keeping hold of the canvass roll.

"Buffy!" he jabbered. "She! Here! You! Now!"

"And hello to you too, Xander," Buffy said, leaning back. Willow looked on with interest.

"She's coming!" he said, having difficulty forcing the words out in his excitement. "Here! She!"

"Who, damn it?" Buffy said. She was used to Xander's excitable nature.

Just then Jonathan, also in a dither, rushed up and grabbed Xander.

"Do ya got it?" Jonathan asked him desperately.

"Oh, yeah man," Xander said. "I got it. I got it right here."

"You got it!" Jonathan said.

Xander said, "I got it, man."

Jonathan turned to the girls. "He got it!"

Buffy said, "He _got_ it, Jonathan. _Get_ it?"

Excited students rushed by. One of them called out to Xander, "She's here!"

Xander said, "She's here!"

Jonathan turned to Buffy "She's here!"

Buffy said, "So I hear."

"C'mon!" Jonathan said.

Xander and Jonathan grabbed Buffy's arms, lifted her off the ground and hustled her along at a run, Xander simultaneously struggling to keep hold of the canvass role. Buffy called back,

"Bye, Willow. Take notes for me in Chem."

"Bye, Buffy," Willow called back.

Outside the school kids were standing around expectantly. Xander and Jonathan set Buffy down and hurried over to a group of Iron Maiden fans who were waiting for them. Xander and Jonathan unrolled the canvass. It was a banner that read,

WELCOME IRON MAIDEN

SUNNYDALE GROVELS AT YOUR FEET

The Maidenettes stood at parade rest, waiting for their heroine.

A Cadillac Escalade SUV pulled up in front of the school, then a sleek black limousine with opaque black windows. The sunroof of the SUV opened and a young man with a hip haircut and hip clothes and a hip attitude appeared out of it. He carried a clipboard and a megaphone. He blared at the students,

"Attention, children, attention. Is there a-– " he consulted his clipboard--"Buffy' here? Buffy?" he said incredulously. He double-checked his clipboard, then called down to the other people in the mini-bus, "What's a 'Buffy?' Is that a real name?"

Every kid in the crowd turned to look at Buffy. She tentatively raised her hand. "Uh, present," she said. "Hi. Sir."

The hip guy bullhorned at her impatiently, "Come on, come on, some of us have a schedule to keep."

The kids parted to make a corridor from Buffy to the limo. She made her way through the crowd of kids, all of them staring at her. A door on the limousine. swung open. The interior was too dark for her to see anything. Buffy hesitated for a moment, then got in. The mini-bus and the limo drove off.

On the sidewalk across the street, Harmony was watching. Harmony was a gorgeous blonde girl with a peevish personality whom Willow referred to as "that vacuous tramp." She watched the limo drive off.

"How come that _Buffy_ weirdo gets to drive around in the big deal limo?" Harmony said. "How come _she_ rates? Why doesn't anything interesting ever happen to _me_?"

Two hulking, half-human ruffians appeared out of the shrubbery behind her. They were dressed for a day of golfing, circa 1920, in tweed knickers, argyle sweaters and golf caps worn low so they shaded their eyes from view but not their bore-pig tusks. They snuck up behind Harmony, grabbed her, stuck her in a sack, and carried her away, oinking to each other.

Buffy found herself in a luxurious limousine, sitting beside an attractive young woman a year older than her and far more poised and confident.

"So you're Buffy!" the young woman said. "I'm so pleased to meet you!" She struck a theatric pose and declaimed, "I am Victoria Ardent, the Iron Maiden!" Then she relaxed and giggled. "Actually my real name is Hannah Chopatsky but my manager said it didn't have enough zing."

Buffy said, "Hi, I'm Buffy. That's my real name. Buffy. Yep. No zing there. Completely zingless."

Victoria said, "Oh, I think Buffy's a cute name!"

"Yeah, cute. I guess that's what Mom was going for. Cute."

"So," Buffy said, "I hear you're a Slayer, too. In fact, you're the real Slayer."

"Oh, no, Buffy, no way. You can have the job, and I really wish you the best of luck with it."

"Thanks, I guess. So. How'd you find me, anyway? I'm supposed to have this all secrety identity."

"Well, my fan club is kind of my private KGB, so I had them ask around, and they found something about Sunnydale being the Hellmouth, and you're the only teenage girl in Sunnydale with a, well, colorful history with the police--"

"Aren't police records supposed to be secrety too?" Buffy said. "Oh. Right. I get it. The Iron Maiden's got fans on the force."

"Right."

"So," Buffy said, "why? I mean, why come to Sunnydale?"

Victoria said, "Well, I was on the set of my latest movie and this _monster_ appears out of nowhere and goes "Die, Slayer!--" Victoria made the Mutant Enemy clutching gesture "--Arrg! and went for me. The security guards shot it several times but it didn't even slow the thing down. I guess my Slayer instinct must have kicked in because I ripped its head off. Ick! Then the thing just turned into dust or ashes or something."

Buffy said, "Yeah, they do that."

"Anyway, I figured I must be giving off some kind of I'm-the-Slayer-come-bite-me vibe. So I thought I'd better look up Mr. Giles and see if he had some voodoo spell or something to fix it. And also to see you, Buffy. Mr. Giles said he'd have to find a replacement for me. That's you, right?"

"Yep," Buffy said. "Buffy the replacement Slayer, that's me. Say, what was with that video, where you said hi? They don't have telephones in Hong Kong or Singapore, or wherever?"

"Oh," Victoria said with a smile on her face and a hint of steel in her voice, "that was just to let everybody know I wasn't someone to be trifled with."

"Right," Buffy said. "You got it. No trifling. No sirree."

"Do you know how I can contact Mr. Giles?"

"He's probably at the school library right now. He's always at the school library. I could take you there."

"Gee, Buffy, I think we'd have some crowd control issues."

Buffy said, "Not to worry, I know how to sneak into school. I have some attendance issues."

"Buffy!" Victoria said in delight. "You outlaw! I've got some wigs and things that I keep them around in case I'm mobbed by my fans."

Buffy said, "Ya know, I never have that problem."

Giles was in the school library absorbed in his studies when Buffy and Victoria dropped out of a panel in the ceiling and onto the floor of the library. They wore black wigs and oversized dark glasses.

Buffy said, "Hi, Gee, sorry to drop in on you like this." She waited for his reaction to her joke. There wasn't any. She whipped off her wig and dark glasses. "Ta-da! It's me!" Still no reaction. "Well, I think I'll just sit over here until you guys are done."

"Good morning, Buffy," Giles said stiffly. And then in an artic voice, "Miss Ardent."

Victoria took off her wig and dark glasses. "Hello, Mr. Giles. We've got things to talk about."

"I can surmise," he said. "You have a lingering aura of destiny still about you that you find inconvenient and you wish me to remove it."

"You got it," Victoria said.

"It will require a relatively simple spell to remove. We can perform the ritual at my home, at midnight."

"Midnight," Victoria said. "Ooh, spooky." She produced a check book and pen. "How much?"

Giles' face took on a pained expression. "That will not be necessary."

"Look, you can donate it to your favorite charity if you want. It's a business expense for me and a tax write-off for you. Everybody wins."

Giles sat down at his desk and turned his attention to his books. "Good day."

Buffy peered out the library door. "Come on, the coast is clear."

"Well," Victoria said as they left the library, "I guess I'll be spending the evening in Sunnydale. Is there anything to do here?"

"Well," Buffy said hesitantly, "you could have dinner at my place. If you want. I think it's meatloaf night. Then after we could go to the Bronze. It's the local hangout."

Victoria said, "Sounds like fun!"

That evening Buffy and Victoria sat at the dining room table in Buffy's house having dinner with Joyce, Buffy's mom. Buffy was dressed in jeans, sweat shirt and sweat pants with her hair in a ponytail. Victoria was dressed like a movie star at play.

Joyce said, "Victoria, Do you go to high school?"

"No, I quit going to high school when I started making movies. I had a private tutor on the set, though."

Buffy said incredulously, "You didn't have to go to high school?"

"Nope. But I'm taking some time off to go to college."

Joyce said earnestly, "That is such a good idea. I wish Buffy would be more serious about getting into college."

"Mom!" Buffy said. "I think about it. Sometimes."

Joyce said to Victoria, "What colleges have you applied to?"

"Oh, I got accepted at Harvard."

"Harvard?" Joyce said, deeply impressed. "Buffy, did you hear that? Victoria's going to Harvard!"

Buffy said glumly, "I heard."

Joyce asked Victoria, "Isn't Harvard very difficult to get into?"

"Well," Victoria said, "the private tutoring helped. And the admissions people said they liked my varied experience of life. They even agreed that I could take some time off to make a movie now and then."

Buffy said, "Hell, I'll probably end up getting kicked out of high school and slinging burgers at the Double Meat Palace."

Joyce said, "Oh, don't talk like that, Buffy."

Buffy mumbled, " 'S probably true."

Joyce asked Victoria, "So, what brings you to Sunnydale?"

Victoria said, "I'm going to visit Mr. Giles."

Joyce looked puzzled. "Mr. Giles? The school librarian?"

Buffy thought fast. "To return a book."

Joyce said, "You flew from Hong Kong to Sunnydale to return a book?"

Buffy said, "She got a second warning."

"Buffy is going to show me the Bronze first," Victoria said.

Joyce said, "Buffy, are you going to go dressed like that?"

"I've got something to do after," she said.

Suddenly Joyce yelped in alarm. Buffy jumped up, grabbed an African wooden sculpture off the wall, broke it in half, and stood ready to fight off vampires with the jagged broken end of the sculpture as an improvised stake. Then she saw that it was only Xander and Jonathan with their faces pressed against the kitchen window, goggling at Victoria.

" 'Fer heaven's sake!" Buffy said, exasperated. She strode over to the door and opened it and threw the piece of wood at them.

"Ow!" Xander yelped from outside.

"Go away!" Buffy said, embarrassed.

Just then a car transporter pulled up in front of her house, carrying a gleaming white Porsche 911, a beautiful, exotic and expensive-looking luxury sports car. Everybody went out on the front lawn as attendants off-loaded the car.

Buffy said, "This your wheels?"

"Sure is," Victoria said.

"Neat," Buffy said.

"I got it after 'Iron Maiden 2: Showdown in Shanghai' went into global release." The attendant gave her a form to sign, then handed her the keys. Victory held out the keys to Buffy. "Like to drive?"

"Er, I'd better not," Buffy said. "I don't do cars. Anyway, I've only got a learner's permit."

"Oh," Victoria said. "Well, let's get going. I really want to see this Bronze."

Joyce said, "It was nice meeting you, Victoria. Buffy, Don't stay out too late, dear. You have school tomorrow."

"I won't, mom," Buffy said.

Victoria said, "Bye, Mrs. Summers. I loved the meat loaf." Buffy and Victoria drove off.

Meanwhile, Harmony was petulantly pacing back and forth in a clearing in the woods. Night was falling. One end of an iron chain was attached to a shackle on her ankle and the other end to a large iron stake driven into the ground.

"Oh, this is _so_ not happening. First I get stuck in a _sack_ and now I get chained up to _this_ thing. What _else_ could possibly go wrong?"

A vampire appeared out of the dark, his shoulders slumped in habitual discouragement. Then he saw Harmony. He brightened up. "This must be my lucky day," he said. Harmony screamed. The discouraged vampire approached her. "It won't do you any good to scream, missy. Nothing can save you now--" he stepped on a hidden trigger and an iron cage dropped down on him with a great thud. He was trapped. His shoulders slumped in discouragement. "Aw, crap," he said.

Ethan Rayne, rouge warlock and all-around villain, appeared. He was grinning broadly, as usual, gloating over his latest villainy. He regarded the trapped vampire with satisfaction.

"Oh thank you, thank you, whoever the Hell you are," Harmony said. "Now get me outta this thing." Ethan Rayne ignored her. A truck driven by the half-human ruffians backed up to the cage.

"Now what?" the discouraged vampire said.

The half-human ruffians got out and with effortless strength lifted the cage into the rear of the truck. The truck's suspension jounced under the weight. Ethan and the ruffians drove off, leaving Harmony still shackled to the iron stake.

"Hey," Harmony said after the departing truck. "Hey! HEY!"

There was a mob scene in front of the Bronze, with a long line of people trying to get through the door and bouncers turning them away. The marquee announced ARROWSMITH - TONIGHT ONLY, and under it hung a sign that read SOLD OUT.

Victoria pulled up in front of the Bronze. "C'mon, Buffy," she said as she got out. She held her keys up. The snooty aide last seen with the megaphone ran past her, snagged the keys on the run, jumped in the Porsche and drove off.

A half-dozen exceedingly hip people greeted Victoria effusively. One of them held out a Starbucks coffee for Victoria. She passed on the coffee and said, "Buffy, these are my people. People, this is my friend Buffy." The entourage greeted Buffy warily, trying to calculate her place in the world of Victoria and if she was any threat to theirs. "And this is Xang Zing, my martial arts instructor." He was a spry white-haired Asian in a martial arts-type training suit.

"Hello, American babe," Xang Zing said, appraising Buffy. "You look in pretty good shape for American babe. You want train with me? I train you and Miss Victoria at same. It kinda a dream of mine to train two American babes at once."

"These are your people, huh?" Buffy said.

Victoria said, "Celebrities have to have an entourage. To handle fans, run errands, make a big entrance, that sort of thing."

"I guess you could say I've got an entourage too," Buffy said. "Only I don't have any fans and they don't run errands."

Victoria said, "So why do you keep them around?"

"Sometimes I wonder. Gee, Arrowsmith is playing. We'll never get in."

"Not to worry," Victoria said. "I had my people make arrangements." Victoria, surrounded by her people, walked up to the door. Buffy followed. One of Victoria's entourage spoke to the bouncer at the door, he checked his clipboard and then unhooked the velvet rope in front of the door and held back the crowd while Victoria and her people entered. The crowd shouted in outrage and seemed about to riot. Victoria's group disappeared inside the club and the bouncers re-hooked the chain in front of the door, leaving Buffy outside, in the midst of the angry crowd. She tried to explain to the bouncers but they weren't interested and they weren't impressed by how she was dressed anyway she couldn't make herself heard over the noise of the crowd. The door to the club opened, letting out a blast of noise from the band. The snooty aide reappeared at the door, spoke to the bouncers, and they let Buffy in but without enthusiasm.

Arrowsmith was playing. Steven Tyler, lead singer and rock legend, was on stage, illuminated by spotlights, radiating charisma. Buffy followed the flunky through the crowd over to a table where Victoria sat, surrounded by her people. There wasn't any place for Buffy to sit so she stood beside the table uncomfortably, ignored by all. Arrowsmith finished their number and took a break. It became possible to talk.

Victoria said, "Everybody, give Buffy and me some room." Her entourage immediately hopped up, grabbed their purses and whatnot, and stood in the crowd, casting Buffy dirty looks. Buffy and Victoria had the table to themselves.

Buffy said, "So, Vicky, I've been wondering, why you ended up in Hong Kong?"

"Because you can't get any further away from Sunnydale than Hong Kong unless you go to another planet."

"I gotcha," Buffy said.

"Also, I was thinking, how could I put my Slayer powers to some good use, and why not martial arts flicks? I got a job as a stuntwoman, and that really worked out. I could leap from roof to roof without wires and punch my way through a brick wall without any special effects. They gave me a supporting role in the movie, and one thing led to another, and now I'm sort of a star."

Buffy said, "I'm glad--"

The sound system blared, "Vicky!" Steven Tyler said. "Is that you?" He was shading his eyes and peering at them from the stage. Victoria waved back cheerfully. "Take five guys," he said to the band. He hopped off the stage and made his way through the crowd to Victoria's table. "Vicky!"

"Stevie!" They hugged.

"Listen," he said to Victoria, "I've got a floor at the Sunnydale Hilton and some people are coming up from LA after the gig and we're going to party. Why don't you drop by?"

"Sounds like fun!" she said. "Oh, this is my friend, Buffy."

"Hi, Buffy." He tried to place her. "You're in that indi flick about women's' roller derby, right?"

"Nope," Buffy said.

"Back up singer on Prince's Euro tour?"

Buffy said, "I'm in high school."

"Come on by anyway," Steven Tyler said. "You can chaperone her, right, Vicky?"

"Sure, Stevie." They laughed together.

Meanwhile, frenzied girls were beginning to mob him. "Listen," he said to Victoria, "I gotta get back on stage. Love ya!" He headed back towards the stage.

Buffy said, "Gee. Steven Tyler."

Victoria said, "Yeah, he's a fun guy. But listen, Buffy, I've always wondered, what its like to be the Slayer?"

Buffy said, "Well, Giles teaches me stuff. And I've met some interesting people, and . . . things. And I've got my friends." Just then Jonathan came up to their table.

"Hi, Buffy," he said, his eyes on Victoria.

Buffy, weary of him already, said "Hi, Jonathan."

"Oh, is this one of your friends?" Victoria asked cheerfully. Buffy didn't say anything for a moment. "Buffy?"

Buffy said, "Yes . . . this is one of my . . . friends. Look, Jonathan, why don't you . . . "

Jonathan said to Victoria, "I am absolutely your biggest fan and love monkey in the universe. Can I have your autograph?" He held out a Magic Marker and pulled up his shirt. "On my stomach?"

"Sure!" Victoria said. "Any friend of Buffy's is a friend of mine. To . . . my . . . favorite . . . love . . . monkey . . . Buffy, would you believe this isn't the weirdest place anyone has asked me to autograph?" Jonathan wandered off, holding his shirt up and moaning.

Buffy slammed the palms of her hands on the table and said, "Well, this has really been fun but now I gotta patrol. You wanna come along? See what you're missing?"

"Absolutely not!" Victoria said. "I could get killed. And I understand that you don't even get paid."

"Yep," Buffy said. "That's the deal. You don't get paid, and maybe you get killed."

"I'll give you a lift. Where are you headed?"

"Oh, just drop me off at the nearest graveyard."

Ethan Rayne was meticulously adding ingredients into a black iron caldron of seething viscous green liquid while the half-human ruffians stirred it with canoe paddles. He had made his lair in an abandoned factory. Large machines of unknown function loomed in the darkness. Suspended from the ceiling was the iron cage holding the discouraged vampire.

"You're probably wondering why I've brought you here," Ethan said, grinning as usual. He decanted a test tube of liquid into the caldron which roiled and fumed.

"Sure," the discouraged vampire said. "Step a little closer."

"You are about to be instrumental in a plan of mine that involves both treachery and sorcery, two things I am very good at."

"That's terrific, buddy." The vamp made a snatch at Ethan . He missed. Ethan didn't react.

"Patience," Ethan said, "your participation is almost over."

"Then I can go? Cause I got things to do."

"Go? Well, yes, in a manner of speaking. You see, I am planning to visit my dear old friend Rupert Giles, who has a certain artifact that I desire. But he is protected by that meddlesome Slayer of his."

"You got anything to eat around here? A rat, a spider, anything?"

"So I am in the process of creating a spell that will attract every vampire within a hundred miles directly to her. That should distract her sufficiently for my purposes. Well, perhaps 'distract' is a little vague."

"Yeah," the discouraged vampire said, "I was just thinking that."

"Actually, according to my sooth sayer here, she will be killed. Isn't that correct, O noble sooth sayer?"

A sooth sayer dressed in something like a toga festooned with magic charms stepped forward and chanted,

_By omens mystic and logic empiric,_

_No Slayer can live through this onslaught vampiric_

Ethan winced. "Who writes your material?"

"I got a service."

Ethan said, "I tried this spell a few days ago but for some reason it seems to have been misdirected to somewhere in Asia. This time I shall add more potent ingredients."

"That's real clever of you, all right," the discouraged vampire said. "You're some kinda genius, even. Why don't you come over here and we can shake hands?"

"A powdered bat," Ethan chanted, "an eye of newt, two point four grams of ionized chromium nitrate, a voodoo doll of Miss Summers--" Ethan tossed a blond Barbie doll wearing a cheerleading costume into the vat "--and one vampire."

"Aw, crap," the discouraged vampire said.

"Lower away, my bestial minions," Ethan said to the half-human ruffians. They started to lower the vampire into the vat.

As the discouraged vampire disappeared into the cauldron he called out to Ethan , "Hey, see you in Hell, buddy."

Ethan said, "I'm sure you shall, I'm sure you shall."

The girls left the Bronze through the back door. Victoria's Porsche is waiting out back, the engine idling, the snooty bullhorn guy at the wheel.

"Frankie? Victoria said, opening the door. The bullhorn guy, snooty no more, fell out of the car and onto the pavement, dead, a twin puncture wound at the throat. Vamps appeared out of the night, coming from all directions. Lots of vamps.

"My God!" Victoria said.

"Die, slayer," a vampire snarled.

Victoria said, "Can you fight this many?"

Buffy said, "I dunno. There's sure a lot of them."

Victoria said, "Let's run!"

"Can't," Buffy said. "Surrounded."

Victoria said, "Then . . . " she assumed a stylized martial arts stance and made a whooping sound that Buffy guessed was some sort of martial arts thing. Buffy took a deep breath, pulled out Mr. Pointy, and said,

"Let's do it!"

Victoria shouted "Hi-yee!" and cart wheeled into the midst of the vamps, knocking blood-suckers every which way. Buffy attacked along side her. Victoria's fighting style was based on the theatrical moves of martial arts movies while Buffy's style was more an improvised mix of Taekwondo and street brawling. At one point Victoria, rolled tightly into a spinning ball, shot straight up into the air while bewildered vamps watched, then came down. Suddenly her arms and legs shot straight out, each foot and fist connecting with a vamp. Soon all the vamps were dust. The girls stood panting, ready for anything, but they were alone in the night.

Victoria said, "You really don't get paid?"

More vamps loomed out of the night. "Buffy!" Victoria cried out. "There's more of them!"

Buffy said, "OK, this time let's--" Victoria dashed away. Buffy said, "Okay, I'll kill 'em myself."

The horde of undead closed in, growling die, Slayer, we want you, Slayer. "Gee, Buffy, you're sure getting personal." She backed up against a wall but she was surrounded. There was the roar of a powerful engine and then Victoria's Porsche slammed into the vampires like a cannon ball, sending them flying, crushing them under her wheels, dusting them. The car slammed to a stop beside Buffy and Victoria flung the passenger side door open.

"Buffy! Get in!" Buffy didn't have to be told twice. She dove in the car and Victoria peeled out, tires screeching and smoking, engine screaming. Several vampires leaped on the car, hammering on the windows. The rest of the vamps ran down the road after them.

"Seat belt, Buffy," Victoria said.

"Oh. Sure." Buffy said, buckling up, wondering if this was the time for niceties. Then Victoria slammed on the brakes. The car braked as well as it accelerated. Buffy was hurtled forward but held by the seat belt. The vamps that were clutching the car catapulted forward to hit the pavement so hard that they were dusted. Victoria blasted off again. Then they were on the highway, flashing through the night, stars over head, the pursing vamps rapidly dwindling behind them.

Victoria said, "Does this sort of thing happen to you all the time? You know, vampires trying to kill you?"

"Well," Buffy said, "yeah, basically. But there sure were a lot of them this time. Boy, you can sure drive."

Victoria said, "Well, I took a course in combat driving, in case I'm attacked by crazed fans or paparazzi."

Buffy said, "Huh."

"I was personally trained by Alonzo Viscounti, the Ferrari Team Grand Prix captain. What a Euro-hunk." She lapsed into a happy reverie. "Lonzo, Lonzo, Lonzo . . . "

Buffy said, "That's terrific, Vicky. Look, could you let me off here?"

"Here? Whatever for?"

"So I can take care of those vamps back there. It's kinda my job. They're spread out now, I should be able to take 'em on two or three at a time."

Victoria said, "Well, I hope you know what you're doing."

Victoria pulled over to the side of the road. Buffy got out. She said to herself, "I hope so too." The gleaming white Porsche shot away. Buffy was alone in the night.

Vampires approached, running down the road, strung out in twos and threes as Buffy had hoped. A teenage vamp dressed in a high school letterman's jacket was in the lead.

"Die, Slayer . . . hey, was that the Iron Maiden?"

With a snarl Buffy attacked.

Harmony was still out in the woods, sitting on the ground beside the iron stake and looking dejected. Buffy emerged out of the foliage, Mr. Pointy at the ready, on the alert for vampires. She saw Harmony. She relaxed and put Mr. Pointy away.

"Hi, Harmony," Buffy said. "What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, it's _you_, the queen of the _freaks_. Could this night get any worse?"

"Oh," Buffy said. "Well, in that case I'll just be on my way." She turned and started to stride away.

"Hey!" Harmony said. "Aren't you going to do something about this? Like, isn't that your _job_ or something?"

Buffy said, "Yeah. I guess it is." She walked over to Harmony and pulled the iron stake out of the ground and handed it to Harmony. The girl staggered under the weight.

"Here," Buffy said. "See yah." She turned to leave.

"Hey!" Harmony said. "How am I supposed to get this thing off?"

As Buffy disappeared into the woods she said, "Deal."

A lavish Hollywood party was under way at the Sunnydale Hilton when Buffy walked in. Gorgeous people in gorgeous clothes were chatting and laughing in groups, a band played, extravagant buffets were laid out, servants circulated with trays of hor'dourves or flutes of champagne.

Buffy was still dressed in sweatshirt and jogging pants, now mussed from vampire fighting. She pulled a leaf from her hair and brushed vampire dust off her clothes. People eyed her askance. She became intimidated. She spotted Victoria across the room, chatting with Steven Tyler and George Went, the chubby actor who played Norm on "Cheers." George Went was wearing a scarlet silk shirt with a plunging neckline, soft velvet pants and tasseled patent leather shoes. He had his arm around the waist of a gorgeous 6' 9" Ethiopian model.

As Buffy hesitated a man with an air of energy and assertiveness approached her.

"Hi," he said brusquely. "Who are you?"

"I'm Buffy."

"No, honey, I mean, I'm a line producer for Warners, that chubby guy over there is a continuing on Cheers, who are you?"

"I'm nobody, really."

"Oh, I get it, you're a twink."

"A twink?" Buffy said. "What's a twink?"

"You know. A party favor. A good host always has a couple around."

"What?"

"Hmm, Steve could have dressed you a little better, but okay. Let's go." He took Buffy's arm and started to take her upstairs. To his surprise he found he couldn't move her.

Buffy, her voice choked with fury, said, "What kind of health insurance do line producers have?"

Just then Victoria appeared. "She's with me, Lonny," she said in a pleasant sing-song voice. She ushered Buffy away.

"Vicky sweetheart!" the man called after her. "We gotta talk, I got this project you'd be perfect for, lots of jumping around and kicking and stuff."

"Great!" Victoria said. "Call me!"

"Let's do lunch," he called after her.

"Buffy," Victoria said, "I'm so glad you could make it. In fact, I'm glad to see you alive."

"Yeah. Well, hi, now I'm going."

"Now Buffy, you have to understand. With these people, you're rated by how big you're in the business. That's just how it is. You're not in the business so you don't count for anything."

"I noticed."

"Why don't you quit this crazy Slayer business before you get killed and try to make something of your life? Look, I know a production company in Singapore that needs a good stunt double. All I have to do is make a call and you've got your start. After that, anything's possible."

"Well," Buffy said, "you know, this is kinda my job, and stuff."

Victoria said, "Look, I'm booked on the 11 a.m. flight to Hong Kong tomorrow. I'll have my people reserve you a seat. If you want to come with me just show up and it's good bye Sunnydale, hello world."

"I'll think about it. I gotta go."

"See you at Giles' place at midnight," Victoria said.

"Midnight," Buffy said.

Buffy walked down a street alone, leaving the brightly lit hotel behind her, walking into the dark. Then she sensed someone without having to see him. Buffy said, "Hi, Angel." Angel was now walking beside her, dressed in black as usual, brooding as usual.

"Hi," he said.

Buffy said, "It's nice when you show up."

Angel said, "I wish I could be with you more. But . . . "

"Yeah," Buffy said, "You've got your thing and I've got my thing but we don't have _our_ thing and that's just how things are."

Angel said, "We've got this."

Buffy said, "Maybe it's enough for you. Maybe it's not enough for me."

Angel said, "It's your life. You can do anything you want with it."

"Angel . . . " Buffy said, turning to him. He was gone.

Back in Ethan Rayne's lair the sorcerer said, "Well, the inconvenient Miss Summers should be out of the way by now." He turned to the half-human ruffians. "Go, my vile friends, and bring me back the Dragon's Egg. Oh, and while you're at it, kill my old friend Rupert. He's a loose end I should have tied up a long time ago." The ruffians grunted and oinked enthusiastically and left.

Giles was in his home, preparing magical artifacts and ingredients for Victoria's spell, when the doorbell rang. He opened the door. Buffy was standing on the porch, her expression grim.

"Hello, Buffy," Giles said, his voice subdued.

"Giles, I've got something to tell you."

"Yes, Buffy. I thought you might. Please come in." They went into the living room.

"I quit," Buffy said. "Let somebody else do it. You hear me, Giles? I'm through. Get yourself another Slayer."

"Very well."

"What? That's it? Very well? After all we've been through, all you've got to say is 'very well'?"

"I suspected Victoria's example might lead you to this."

"_Everything_ leads me to this. My whole _life_ leads me to this. I'm in trouble all the time, I'm flunking out of school, my mom thinks I'm crazy, I hang out in graveyards in the middle of the night waiting for some undead _thing_ to crawl out of its grave so I can jam a damn stake in its heart. And what do I get for it? Nothing. A big, fat nothing. Screw it. Find somebody else to be the Slayer."

"If this is your decision I shall not try to dissuade you."

"If dissuade means talk me out of it, you got that right."

"I will activate the new Slayer tomorrow. Then your duties will be over."

"That's terrific, Giles. Hey, you can give her this for me." She slammed Mr. Pointy down on a table. "So long. I'll send you a post card from Singapore. Wherever the hell that is." She turned and started to leave. Giles called after her,

"It would make the transition easier for the new Slayer if you could meet her. I could take you to her tomorrow morning. But that is up to you." Buffy stopped and stood there, quivering with conflicting emotions. Then she burst out,

"Okay, okay, I'll meet her but that is absolutely last thing I'll ever do in the Slayer line. After that I'm through." She stormed out. In front of Gile's house she almost bumped into Spike.

" 'Lo, Slayer, I—" Spike started, but then Buffy's fist connected with his face.

"Yee yah," Anya said. She was dressed in a black leather costume like the Iron Maiden's and attempting to assume a martial arts stance. "Like this, poopsie?"

Xander was reclining on top of his bed, dressed, in his socks, hands behind his head, watching her avidly.

"Oh, yeah, baby," he said. "But give it a little more oomph. Yee-YAH!" They were in Xander's basement room in his parents' house. Sporting equipment was strewn around, posters of rock stars were on the walls.

Just then Willow rushed in. "Xander, we have to--" She took in the scene. "Oh. OH!"

"Hello, Willow, Xander's friend and therefore mine whether I like it or not," Anya said. "We are playing dress up, which I am told is an American custom before sex. Would you like to join in?"

"No!"

Xander said, "Now, wait a minute--"

"Xander!"

Xander said, "I'm just saying, let's give the joining-in proposal a little thought before we go rushing off to some hasty decision."

Willow said, "There will be neither thinking nor proposing! We have an important matter to attend to!"

Anya said, "And what would that be?"

"I forget," Willow said. "Oh yeah! My witchly powers tell me that Ethan Rayne is in town and up to no good. We have to find Buffy immediately."

Anya said, "Perhaps Buffy would like to play dress-up too."

Xander made a growling sound.

"Xander!"

"What?"

Willow said, "He's captured a vampire."

Anya said, "What would anyone want with a vampire?"

Xander stood up. "Good question, cupcake. I'm betting they don't make cuddly pets. But where is the bad here? This just means one less vamp to worry about."

Willow said, "We're talking about Ethan Rayne, necromancer extraordinaire, master of the black arts and the double cross. This vamp-napping is clearly part and parcel of some evil plot of his that we must thwart."

"And swart we twall" Xander said. "I mean thwart we shall."

Willow said, "Anya, would you please take off that ridiculous costume!"

"That part comes latter, Willow," Anya said.

"Will you two stop it!" Willow yelled. "Focus on the matter at hand. We need a plan!"

Xander said, "We got a plan. Same plan as always. We find Buffy and she handles it. Maybe we run some errands along the way but she does all the heavy lifting."

Willow said, "Tish. And tush. We provide important support services for Buffy and her evil bashing."

Anya said, "Ah, Willow, when you say "we," that doesn't include me, does it? Because I really don't give a damn if any of you Scoobies live or die. Except for my stud muffin, of course. He's so groovy." She quirked her nose at her.

Xander said, "Cupcake the fate of the world is probably involved in this, and as we _live_ in the world, we're involved, like it or not."

"Damn," Anya said. "Well then, let's go, team! Fight that evil. Rah. Xander, will we get to play dress up afterwards?"

"Oh, yeah."

Buffy entered, absorbed in her own problems. "Listen, I've got something to tell you guys--" she took in the scene. "Please never tell me what's going on here."

A vampire smashed his head through the little window high on the wall of Xander's room. It said, "Uh, is there a Slayer here?"

Buffy snatched up a bowling pin that was lying around and knocked its head off .

Buffy said, "That's been happening to me all night. Suddenly I'm up to my ears with the undead. This is what it's like to be popular, in Hell."

Willow said, "Ethan Rayne is in town and up to some deviltry. Maybe he's behind this increased vamp activity."

"Ethan?" Buffy said in exasperation. "I so don't need this right now. Can't this wait till tomorrow?"

"Well, sure," Willow said, "if that's what you want."

"No, dammit, I'm still on the clock. Let's do it."

Willow said, "How are we gonna figure out what Ethan 's plan is?"

Buffy said, "We're not. We're gonna find out where's he's holed up and take him out before he can hit us with whatever he's got cooking up."

Xander said, "Excellent, Buffster. Military man Xander says taking the initiative is good."

Anya said, "And then we kill him, right? Because he's a danger to us Scoobie-doobies. Or at least an inconvenience."

"Anya honey," Xander said, "killing people is wrong. Remember, we talked about right and wrong?"

"To hell with right and wrong, dear. All that counts is winning."

Xander turned to Willow. "Don'cha just gotta love her?"

"And what about this Vicky-oh-I'm-too-good-to-be-a-Slayer person?" Willow said. "Should we all hate her? Wanna see my face of hate? It's icy."

"No," Buffy said. "Darn it, Victoria's okay. She even said something nice about my mom's meatloaf. Look, could we not talk about Victoria _all_ the time? What about all these damn vampires?"

Willow said, "I think you are under the malign influence of a sorcerous spell. I can feel the vibe. Because, you know, I'm a witch."

Buffy said, "Ethan must have put a calling-all-vamps whammy on me--Vicky! That's why that vamp jumped her on her movie set. She got whammied too. Ethan is _so_ going down."

Xander said, "How are we gonna find his hideout?"

"Willow," Buffy said, "can you whip some sort of finder spell? And, you know, find him?"

Willow said, "Gee, I dunno . . . "

Just then Angel showed up, holding the sooth sayer by the throat. "I found this sooth sayer in Willie's bar, bragging about some big payoff he got from Ethan Rayne. I figured you were involved."

"Aren't I always?" Buffy said. She turned to the sooth sayer. "Okay, soothie, talk. Where's Ethan hiding out?"

"Oh, you want a sooth said? Let's discuss my rates first . . . " Angel lifted him off the ground by the throat.

"Okay, okay," the sooth sayer wheezed, "I'll talk, jeeze." Angel put him down. "He's holed up in the old factory on 14th Street. He's got a couple of goons with him, big guys. I don't think they're entirely human."

Buffy said, "Angel . . . " She looked around. Angel was gone. She took a breath, then said, "Okay, let's go. Xander, bring the soothy guy."

"Yessir, my attractive leader."

Anya said, "And kill him if he makes trouble. I can help."

Willow snapped at Xander, "She's really good in the sack, right?" Xander just smirked.

Buffy said, "C'mon you guys."

Ethan was studying a book of magic and savoring a glass of wine and, needless to say, gloating, when the massive door of his lair was smashed off its hinges and thrown to the ground with a crash. Buffy and the gang barged in, with the sooth sayer in tow. Ethan Rayne jumped to his feet and stared at the Scoobies in astonishment.

Willow said, "Ethan Rayne, the jig is up!"

Buffy said, "Hello, Ethan."

"Buffy!" Ethan said. "I thought you were . . . ah, in Pittsburgh."

Buffy said, "You sicced those vamps on me, didn't you?"

Ethan said, "Would it do any good to say no?"

Buffy said, "What do you think?"

Ethan said, "I think, ah, the jig is up." He turned on the sooth sayer. "You! You charlatan! You said no Slayer could survive my spell, and there she is, perky as ever! And you call yourself a sooth sayer!"

The sooth sayer said, "I can explain that . . . "

"Ha!" Ethan snorted.

"See, I said the mystic signs indicated that no Slayer could survive. That means _one_ Slayer. Slayer in the singular. But what we got here is _two_ Slayers. Slayers in the plural. So that throws the sooth way off. Sorry buddy, no refunds. Well, if you don't need me any more . . . " the sooth sayer fled.

"_Two_ Slayers?" Ethan said.

"It's a long story," Buffy said. She kicked the vat of green liquid over. The liquid spilled on the floor and fizzed into non-existence. Buffy said, "I guess that breaks the spell."

"You're such a clever girl," Ethan said.

Xander asked Buffy, "What should we do with Ethan ?"

Buffy said, "Well, I guess we oughta turn him over to the Watchers' Council. They'll know how to deal with him." She picked up a loose length of rope lying around and tossed it to Anya. "Anya, why don't tie him up with this?"

"Buffy, you sniveling liberal," Anya said with a bright smile, "why don't you and miss witchy just step outside for a sec and let me and my poopsie tidy up in here?" She grinned ominously at Ethan .

"Wait!" Ethan said to Buffy in terror. "In exchange for my life I'll trade you Rupert's!"

"Keep talking," Buffy said.

"I've dispatched a pair of half-human ruffians to kill him. They should be arriving at his house even as we speak. Now do be a good girl and go rescue dear old Rupert and I'll just be on my way."

Buffy said, "We gotta save Giles!"

Xander said, "Let's go!"

Willow said, "Where's Ethan?"

Anya was busy garroting Ethan with the rope that Buffy had thrown her. Anya turned around to face the others but continued strangling Ethan behind her back. She tried to smile innocently and said, "Gee, I don't know. Maybe he evaporated." She tightened the noose. Ethan said "Urk!"

Buffy said, "Anya, we don't have time for this. We gotta go!"

"Aw," Anya said. She released Ethan "Be seeing you," she promised Ethan with a smile. Buffy and the Scoobies hurried out.

Rupert Giles opened the door. Victoria was on the porch. "Won't you please come in, Miss Ardent," he said in a frosty tone of voice.

"Hello, Mr. Giles. Oh, and these are my people." Her entourage trooped in after her.

"Good lord!" Giles said.

Victoria's people looked around at Giles' home.

"What a dump."

"Do people actually _live_ here?"

"Anybody ever heard of Feng Shui?"

"No funny business, England guy," Xang Zing the martial arts instructor warned Giles. "I watching you."

Victoria asked Giles, "I'll keep my Slayer powers, right?"

"Yes," Giles said. "You may do whatever you want with your gifts."

"I intend to," Victoria said.

Giles was just about to cast the spell when Buffy and the Scoobies rushed in.

Victoria brightened up and said, "Hi, Buffy. Glad you could make it."

"Hi. Giles, have any half-human--"

The half-human ruffians burst through the front door. Victoria's people, including Xang Zing the martial arts expert, shrieked and scrambled out of the windows, leaving Victoria behind.

"Never mind," Buffy said.

One ruffian ripped the steel cabinet open and grabbed the dragon's egg while the other ruffian seized Giles and started to lift him up to its gapping mouth. Buffy gave the thug a roundhouse kick to the head, staggering it. Xander jumped on its back and Willow smashed a lamp over the first one's head. Victoria first hesitated, then joined the fight. Anya snatched the egg from the first ruffian.

"That is _not_ your property! Goods and services must be paid for! Killing some foreigner, well, sure, I can see that, but I'll thank you to respect the sacred rights of property!" The ruffian charged at her, she tossed the egg to Xander He taunted the creature with it.

"Come and get it, porky. Sooee, pig pig pig."

"Giles!" Buffy called out. "How do we kill these things?"

"They're just Porcines," he said, struggling to his feet and adjusting his glasses, "merely ensorcelled swine. Nothing to worry about. Now, what is the counter spell? Willow, do you recall the counter spell?"

Willow, clinging to the back of a thrashing ruffian, said, "I think it's in Cugel's Compendium de Magikis."

"Volume 2?"

"No, 3. In the annex."

"Ah, here we are. It requires a chorus, so everybody please chant after me. Espiritu Porcus . . . "

Everyone chanted while continuing to battle the ruffians, "Espiritu Porcus . . . "

Giles said, "Vacundus te comandi . . . "

Everyone repeated, "Vacundus te comandi . . . "

"Avuntus!" Giles said.

"Avuntus!" Everyone said.

The ruffians disappeared with a poof. Their empty clothes remained upright for a moment, then collapsed to the floor. The piles of clothes writhed around, then a pair of piglets struggled out and scampered out of the house, squealing.

Victoria said to Buffy, "It's just one thing after another in Sunnydale, isn't it?"

The next morning Giles drove Buffy in his ancient Citroen down a country road and pulled up in front of a ranch house. Giles and Buffy got out. A 10 year-old girl with a sunny disposition was sitting on a horse. She wore cut-off jeans and a Mickey Mouse tee shirt.

"Hi, Mr. Giles," she said.

"Good morning, Melissa," Giles said.

"Are you going to teach me some more tricks, Mr. Giles? They're fun."

"Not today, Melissa. Today I'd like you to meet someone. Melissa, this is Buffy Summers. She is the Slayer."

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Summers. Are you really the Slayer?"

"I'm please to meet you, Melissa. And yeah, I'm the Slayer." She turned to Giles "This is my replacement?"

"I had hoped to have more time to train her but yes, this is your replacement. The Watchers' Council has agreed to provide extra support for her."

Melissa said to Buffy, "I'm going to be a Slayer, too. What does a Slayer do? Mr. Giles won't tell me exactly."

"All kinds of fun stuff, Melissa. C'mon, Giles, let's get back to town."

Giles said, "Aren't you going to--"

"Naw," Buffy said. "Forget it. Who wants to be a stupid movie star, anyway? And I could never get the hang of chopsticks. Bye, Melissa."

"Bye, Miss Summers. Bye, Mr. Giles." Buffy and Giles headed back to the car. She held out her hand. Giles placed Mr. Pointy in it.

Victoria and Buffy stood together at the Air Cathay boarding area. Victoria said, "Well, I'm sorry that you're not coming with me."

Buffy said, "I guess we've both made our decisions."

"I kind of envy you, though." Victoria said.

"Are you kidding? You get to be a movie star and go to Harvard and drive a Porsche and hang out with Steven Tyler. Me? There's a spatula with my name on it at the Double Meat Palace. And you've seen my friends."

"Well, your friends stuck by you when those pig things showed up. Mine ran away. And how important is my life? What difference do I make? You save the--"

The PA system blared, AIR CATHAY FLIGHT 858 FOR HONG KONG IS NOW BOARDING AT GATE 11. THIS IS THE FINAL CALL.

Victoria said, "Well, so long. If you're ever in Hong Kong, look me up."

Buffy said, "Sure. Bye." Victoria left.

Later that day Buffy and Willow were back at Sunnydale High School, carrying their books and headed for class. Harmony appeared, lugging the iron stake and chain which is still shackled to her ankle. She tried to hide the hardware. "Buffy! Hey, BUFFY!"

Buffy and Willow kept walking. Buffy said, "Hi, Harm."

Willow said, "What'cha got there, Harm?"

Harmony said, "Buffffeee, would you pleaseee do something about this? I don't want anybody to know I was some kind of vampire bait. It's so uncool."

Buffy said, "Maybe saving your life is part of my job. Making you look cool isn't. Anyway, I wouldn't know where to begin."

Buffy and Willow kept walking. Harmony followed after them. "Buffeeee! Buffy!"

-The End-

Copyright © 2008 by Mark Crofton

26


End file.
